National Health Care is NOT Cradle to Grave!
By Otis Bucksnort
I am just sick and tired of gibbering
drooling Wrong-Wingers caterwauling about the recently passed health care
bill. If you listen to them, the Democrats are turning the country into
some kind of Nazi-like cradle to grave nanny state!
This is just absurd. No one has made a call for government provided
funerary services. However, having considered this lapse on Nancy Pelosi's
part, I'd like to be the first to suggest it.
Have you ever had the misfortune of having to shop for end-of-life
services? I don't mean nursing care, I mean DEAD end-of-life services?
Well, I can tell you that trying to lay to rest a loved one can cost
thousands of dollars.
This often unexpected expense can come at
the very time a bereaved family is most vulnerable to the evils of free
market capitalism- perhaps when a hapless widow is struggling to provide
her children with food and shelter without her co-tax payer and or child
What we need is new legislation to literally provide American citizens and
residents living here lawfully or not still another new entitlement.
Perhaps we'll be able to call it "Bennie Thompson Merciful Death
Assistance Act of 2010." Surely he'd sponsor it. After all, Bennie has
never seen a new government "bennie" that he didn't like.
A funerary benefit would fit hand in glove with our all new and far more
efficient health care system.
If tax payers are not going to waste
valuable medical resources on those irrationally clinging to life past
their ability to give back to society- such as paying their fair share of
taxes- then assisting their grieving families with a free funeral is the
least the state can do.
You might say is it is a human application of the
Of course, any new entitlement like this must turn a page on the outmoded
policies of the past. Setting aside land for graves is not responsible
stewardship of natural resources. So, requiring tax payers to fund the
traditional bourgeois Christian body-in-casket burial would not only be
inappropriate on environmental grounds, the separation of church and state
absolutely precludes it.
Besides, it would cost a lot of money.
The obvious answer is cremation. Properly equipped, government run
crematoriums, fitted with advanced environmentally sound catalytic
converters and CO 2 scrubbers, would dispose of our loved one's body while
keeping our air clean and free of global warming greenhouse gases.
Of course, baby boomers are the largest demographic approaching the window
of imminent demise. With their numbers being so massive, we must consider
the environmental impact of all those mercury fillings being released into
the atmosphere by fire. Vaporized capped and filled teeth could spell an
Human ingestion of mercury would certainly
impact national health care costs, so loved ones would have to have their
capped and filled teeth removed prior to incineration.
Such a laborious process could turn a national funerary plan into a job
maker of considerable import. And the recycling opportunities don't stop
with teeth! Think of implanted electronic devices, artificial hip and knee
joints, surgical screws, skull plates, and other items.
Then there is the possibilities afforded by
mandatory organ donation; eyes and hearts, livers and kidneys, hair and
The sheer magnitude of this harvesting and recycling would be daunting if
it weren't for the looming abolition of all meat consumption. Thankfully,
forced vegan-ism will provide plenty of shuttered meat processing plants
suitable for this new use.
The crematoriums could be
co-located with the funerary recycling and harvesting centers to further
save money on transportation expenses. And by using rail to get our loved
ones to these centers, we'd be saving our our departed loved ones the
ignoble humiliation of being carried on their final journey by a fossil
fuel burning hearse!
And because trains don't have to stop at rail crossings like cars and
trucks do, any such rail based "funeral procession" would speed the dead
to the hereafter without the drama and expense of a police escort.
Should anyone, such as the Religious Wrong, try to raid these trains for
their own nefarious religious purposes, security could be provided by our
president's new health care security force. The president has said such a
force will be just as powerful and well funded as the US. Military.
The savings will surely be so
great the entire plan will pay for itself!
Now, doesn't this plan just give you a warm fuzzy feeling?